This week marks one year of no smell for me. It has slithered from nothing at all to warped to hints to ghost smells back to nothing, and I am struck by the passage of time.
I went through the exercise of writing down 365 smells-feelings-auras that I know deep inside me. It was less about torturing myself and more about stopping to recognize the sheer magnitude of both my internal archive and the number 365. I read this list out loud and it took 17 minutes, and I cried because it reminded me that I am full of so much more than I can possibly hold at once.
If you have the patience to float through this stream of senses with me, perhaps it can be a moment for you too to finger through your personal archive - to know that you are every sense and memory and tangled mess that comes out of the thousands of movements we make in this world.
It is a portrait of me that I’ve never considered.
Puppy Cody’s Padded Paws
The Spot Between His Triangle Ears
Lavender My Sister Mailed Me When I Moved to NYC
Freshly Picked Jasmine Blossoms Placed into My Palm by My Grandfather
Dew on Bay Area Mornings
Coffee Grounds When I Open the Airtight Jar
Coffee Steeping in My French Press
Dumping Out the Contents of the French Press at the End of the Day
Pu Er Tea in a Ceramic Cup
Walking into a Coffee Shop
Walking into a Bakery
Walking Out into the Street
Rain on the Concrete
Melting Snow
A Brewing Storm
Nuts 4 Nuts Carts
Waiting in Line at Ice Cream Parlors
The Looming Presence of Fish in the San Francisco Bay
Succulents that Grow at the Edge of the Pacific Ocean Cliffs
Dried Wild Grass on the Ridge Back Home
Sulfur of Cows When Driving South Along the California Coast
Hot Seats of My Mom’s Car Sitting in the Marshall’s Parking Lot
Sweet Leather of a Coat that Makes Me Feel Badass
The Coat Closet Downstairs in My Childhood Home
Freshly Laundered Sheets
The Comforter Pulled Over My Shoulder
Sleeping on the Couch
My Father’s Fried Rice on Wednesday Mornings
My Mother’s Wool Coats Clinging to Double Plastic Sleeves
Cookies Out of the Oven
My Childhood Bedroom
My Mother’s Pajamas
Opening the Box of Bath & Body Works Lotions my Mother Hoards in Her Closet
Opening an Old Box of Knick Knacks
Candles with Absurdly Evocative Titles
Chopping Mint
Picking Dandelions
Grapefruit Body Scrub
Old Spice Pomade
Popping Popcorn
Blowing Out a Candle
Watering Plants
Juice that Comes off Grass When I Instinctively Tear it Out
Hot Turf
Victoria’s Secret Fruit Spritz in Class Circa 2008
Middle School Locker Rooms
Those Horribly Designed Tampon Disposals in Public Bathrooms
Public Bathrooms
Nice Public Bathrooms
Not Nice Public Bathrooms that Have Air Fresheners Though
Chinese Restaurant Bathrooms that Have Cleaning Supplies
Porter Potties
Music Venue Porter Potties
Carnivals
Hot Dog Stands and Wharf Sea Lions
Corndog Kiosks
Hot Oil in a Fast Food Joint Specifically When I’m Starving
Boiling Hot Pot at Home
Liver that My Father Likes to Boil on His Side of the Hot Pot
Simmering Onions
Vodka Sauce
Really Oily Pesto
Toasted Sesame
Chrysanthemum Tea that My Mother Brews in a French Press
A Box of Cold Pizza
Re-toasting Pizza in the Toaster Oven
Dirty Chai Lattes My Library Barista Roommate Made Me at 2 am
A Library Cubby
A New Book
An Old Book
A Really Old Book
Musky Used Book Stores
Old Bookstores with Cats
Going into Someone’s Home and Immediately Knowing They Have a Cat
Going into Someone’s Home and Immediately Knowing They Have a Dog
The Nervous Anxiety of Entering a Date’s Apartment
The Cologne of Someone New
The Perfume of Someone Familiar
Alcohol Evaporating off of a Party Floor
The Drink Someone Spills on My Arm at the Bar
The Bartender that Leans in to Take My Order
My Don’t-Want-to-Decide Gin and Tonic Order
Hot Bread on the Table at the Restaurant That May Spoil My Actual Meal
Red Lobster Garlic Bread
The Superior Dish that the Couple at the Table Next to Me Ordered
Hot Electric Fumes of the Blender
Freshly Vacuumed Floors
Old Sweat of the Boxing Gym
Baking Soda Vinegar of the Sanitized Gloves
Sunscreen
When Sunscreen Mixes with Beach Sand
Dusty Sand
Ocean Water on Skin
Sweat and Sunscreen Together
Swimming Pools
Swimming Pool Water on Skin Hours After Swimming
Well-Loved Swimsuits
Showering off Swimming Pool Water
Chinese Restaurant Grease Seeped Hair
Washing My Hair to Strip the Chinese Restaurant Grease
Grease Still in the Coat I Wore 2 Weeks Ago to the Chinese Restaurant
Scallion Pancakes and Dip at Dumpling House
Dumplings on a Lazy Susan
Scooping Miso Paste
Sleepytime Tea
Theraflu Specifically Made by My Former Roommate
Stabbing My Thumb Into an Orange
My Nailbeds Hours After Stabbing My Thumb Into an Orange
Opening a Jar of Peanut Butter
Auntie Anne’s in the Mall
Train Station McDonald’s
The Hot Bottle of Water that Has Been Sitting in the Car for a Month
My Sister’s Car
My Sister’s Closet at Home
Our Shared Bathroom
Really Clean Ubers
Airplane Food Trolleys
Airport Magazine Shops
Dry Nose Interiors on Airplanes
When the Person Sitting Next to Me on the Plane Takes Out Their Everything Bagel
The Inside of a Concert Hall
Backstage at a Concert Venue
The Person Sitting Next to Me in the Audience
The Person Sitting Next to Me on Stage
The Tour Wardrobe Box on the First Day
The Tour Wardrobe Box on the Last Day
Burning Hair
Hairspray Before the Show
Stage Lights
Heavy Foundation
Steamers
Hand Sanitizer
Acrylic Paint
Painting My Nails
Messing Up My Nails and Then Immediately Applying Nail Polish Remover
Not Waiting For Nail Polish Remover to Fully Evaporate and Then Applying More Polish
Drinking Wine While Applying Nail Polish and Sort of Tasting Nail Polish
Wines Like Metal
Wines Like Leather
Wines Like Wood
Beers Like Piss
Beers Like Honey
Beers Like Oats
Barley Tea at Japanese Restaurants
Right After My Father Dyes His Hair Black
Bright Yellow Dishsoap
Garlic On My Fingers
Pickles
When Yogurt is Bad
When There’s a Gas Leak
When I’ve Burned Something
Burning Firewood
Fresh but Heavy Summer Nights
Street Vendors in China
Dim Sum Carts Rolling By
Opening a Takeout Box Not Sure Which Dish It’ll Be
Putting on My Extensive Skincare Routine After Showering
Putting on a Sheet Mask
Washing off a Clay Mask
Accidentally Inhaling Water into My Nose While Washing My Face
Burying My Face Into a Body Towel
Noticing that My Body Towel is a Bit Mildewy
Freshly Cut Flowers
Watermelon
A Boiled Egg
Being Self Conscious About a Boiled Egg
Being Self Conscious About a Dank Lunch at Work
Microwaving Fish
Microwaving Curry
Microwaving Something Innocuous but Knowing that Someone Before Me Microwaved Curry
Microwaving Something at Work and Knowing that Someone Used the Nespresso
Microwaving Something at Work and Peeking into the Fridge Out of Curiosity
Eating My Lunch at My Desk Knowing There is Catering Mere Feet Away From Me
The Work Vending Machine
My Laptop Overheating
Parking Garages
Opening Fridges at the Supermarket
Produce Aisle Mist
Smoked Salmon
Bagel Shops
Cream Cheese and Chives
Cinnamon Raisin Bagels
Donut Shops
Glaze Donuts
Jam
Smucker’s Uncrustables
Salsa from Costco
Turning on the Burner
Marlboro Smoke Because of a Summer Friend with a Bad Habit
The Boy I Suspected Smoked but Claimed He Did Not
Cigarette Smoke Specifically in China
Dolores Park in San Francisco and That Other Kind of Smoke
Incense in a Fancy Store
Perfume at Macy’s Before Getting To The Sale Shoe Rack
Empty Cardboard Boxes at the Shoe Rack
Dirt on the Floor From Repotting a Plant
Air at the Top of a Mountain
Central Park
A Wooden Deck
A Wooden Deck in the Sun
A Wooden Deck After the Rain
Making Daisy Chains
Baby’s Breath Flowers
Making Flower Crowns
Eucalyptus
Dried Eucalyptus
Tree Sap
Tree Sap on My Fingers
Hot Rocks
Spiced Cider
The Week Before Christmas
Christmas Trees
Peppermint Bark
Putting on Ornaments
Cinnamon Sugar Cookies
Yakult
Hot Chocolate
Spicy Hot Chocolate
Ranch 99’s Butcher Counter
Peppermint Hot Chocolate
Warm Pie
Toasted Pecans
Brie Cheese
Melted Brie Cheese
Cheddar Cheese
Basement Dorm Kitchen and Makeshift Mac and Cheese Cooking Station
Roasted Garlic
Drive Through Dairy
Takeout Salad Dressing
In-n-Out Fries
Any Fries
Hot Honey Butter on Rolls
KFC Biscuits and Honey
Boba Shops
Kombucha
Magnolia Bakery
Subway Steam and Trash
Opening the Trash Bin and Experiencing Death for 3 Seconds
My Own Poop
My Own Pee
My Own Dirty Hair
My Own Breath
My Own Skin
Blood
Periods
When One of My 5 Ear Piercings Gets Irritated
Bubble Baths
Hot Showers
Hotel Lobbies
Hotel Plastic Wrapped Slippers
Old Elevators
Public Fountains
Fingers After Sifting Through Coins
Fingers After Opening Something with a Metal Lid
Keys on a Keychain
Street Construction
My Pillow
Not My Pillow
The Adam’s House Library
First Sitting Down on the Adam’s House Library Couch
Dusty Corners
Thrift Shops
Trying Something on at the Thrift Shop
Used LPs at the Thrift Shop
Opening an Old Picture Frame
A Really Hot Light Bulb
A Sundrenched Carpet
Old Hats
NYC Radiators
Turpentine
Oil Paint
Acne Medication
Tropical Mousse I Used to Use in My Hair
Deodorant I Never Use
An Old Hairbrush
Chinese Oil Rub Medication for Sores
Tiger Balm
Black Sesame Paste
Blanched Greens
Stale Cereal
Old Halloween Candy in a Repurposed Costco Nut Jug
Vanilla Soy Milk
Mahjong Tiles
Static on Blankets
Kimchi
Hondashi
LuoMiGi
Tea Shops with Chinese Pastries
Frying Oil
Vinaigrette on Salad
Lining a Margarita with Salt
Pancakes
Bacon
Brunch diners
Booze Breath and Brunch
Mulled Wine
Mulled Cider
Crunching on Fall Leaves
Pumpkin Spice
Garlic Naan
Elmer’s Glue
Hot Glue Guns
Writing Really Fast in Pencil
Smearing a Ball Point Pen
The Side of My Hand After Charcoal Drawing
The Side of My Hand After Rubbing an Ink Plate
When The Laser Printer Spits Out 100 Pages
Walking Into the Dining Hall on Chicken Tenders Day
Walking Into the Dining Hall on Bread Day
Walking Into the Dining Hall on Friggin Honey Butter Day
Infused Water
The Copy Machine at Work
Potlucks
My Mother’s Chicken Soup
My Mother’s Tomatoey Beef Soup
My Mother’s Nightly Blow-Drying Before Bed
Chili Crisp
When the Rice Cooker Toggle Pops Up
Boiling Porridge
When a Bowl of Pho is Placed in Front of Me
This Coffee Rubbed Pork Rib Dish with Whipped Cream
Rolling Down the Window While Driving
When My Friend Picks Me Up in His Car Because I Don’t Ever Drive
San Francisco Civic Center and Urine
The End of the Blue Line
When a Car Zooms By
First Turning on the Window AC Unit at the End of Winter
Hot Water with Red Rock Sugar
A Hot Microwaved Towel
Opening the Dishwasher
Scooping My Sister’s Cats’ Litterbox
The Warm Spot the Dog Leaves on the Bed After Curling Up
A Riverbank
A Very Seaweed-y Beach
Custard Fruit Tarts on my Birthday
Music Practice Rooms
My Flute After Hours of Practice
Crayons
Uncapping a Sharpie
Uncapping a Dry Erase Marker
Saran Wrap
Furiously Erasing Something
The Weird Lip Balm that I Use
The Other Weird Lip Balm that I Use
Lavender Hand Cream
Forest Fires
Hose Water
Washing My Dad’s Car
Redwood Trees
Mineral Caves
The Crackling Gas Fireplace at a Familiar Homestay
Wiping the Counters at the End of the Day
Apartment Stairwells
Back Alleys
New Year’s Eve in a Cabin
Plastic Tupperware
Developed Film
Black Woodear Fungus
Bright Plastic Colanders
Sitting in the Doctor’s Waiting Room
Cutting into an Onion
Cutting into Ginger
Choking Back Tears
Ugly Crying
Snot